Chaos Critter Tails: The Case of the Pirate Squirrel Supremacy
Dante goes on a walk, and enters a new world of pirate squirrels. And chainsaws.
Happy Easter and Happy 8th day of Passover
It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, roses are being planted, dogs are being brushed, and Tod is staining wood for shelves. Life is the blissful quiet that is usually missing. Until Dante darts across the floor, wiping out at our feet, or jumping over me to play with Beleth.
I am not sure if that inspired him or if Tod's creative side has awakened, but he ended up writing a very cute story via dictation this week. And it made me consider publishing all the Nano-Sapiens under Dante's name, because Tod did a good job about making it seem like they are just the vivid imagining of our silly pup.
Enjoy and Happy Sunday!
Dante and the Pirate Squirrel Supremacy
Dante's legs were moving faster than they could actually carry him. His paws skittered across the hardwood floor as he slid around the corner, sideswiping the calico cat that ruled their house.
"Sorry, Aki!" Dante yipped out, continuing to run. "I gotta find Beleth!"
Dante tore into the next room and saw Beleth lying on the bed. After the hyperactive puppy leaped up on the covers, the sleepy Maine Coon raised his head.
Beleth asked, "You're not supposed to be up here, are you?"
The little Mini American Shepherd shook his stubby tail so hard his whole body wiggled.
"Beleth, you've gotta hear what happened on our walk today!"
Beleth blinked sleepy eyes at the little dog. "If you insist. Let's go into the living room so you don't get in trouble for being on the bed."
As they walked to the living room, Dante ran in circles around Beleth before finally settling down. Then he began his story.
"Well, we took our walk today — me, the monkeys, and Crokell. On the walk, we stopped at one house to talk to some people, and I saw a squirrel in the tree. So, I slipped out of my collar and ran over to it. I asked, 'What are you doing here?'
"The squirrel said, 'We are the Pirate Squirrel Supremacy. We rule everything.'"
Dante tilted his head as he recounted the story. "'Are you sure about that?' I asked the squirrel. He sneered down at me and said, 'Of course, you little dog. Come into our fortress and see for yourself.'"
Dante's eyes widened in excitement as he spoke. "So, I scrambled through a hole that appeared in the tree, and inside was a whole other world! Everything was made of metal or plastic. There were lights and buzzers, and everything was squirrel-sized. The squirrel introduced himself. 'I am Fred. I work for Paisley, the head of the Pirate Squirrel Supremacy.'
"Fred had on a pirate hat and blouse-like shirt, but no pants. His tail was all poofed out behind him. He said, 'Come, let me show you the rest of our fortress.'
"We climbed these spiral stairs to the top, and I could see the whole neighborhood — our house, you sitting by the back door in the sunbeam, and even the neighbors' pool!"
Beleth's whiskers twitched, but he didn't interrupt.
"The squirrel said, 'Enough sightseeing. We need to find more technology for our efforts.' So, I followed Fred down into their basement — at least, I assumed it was the basement. Inside were boxes from all sorts of places: Amazon, Best Buy, Home Depot, Lowe's. No Chewy boxes, though, which was good."
Beleth nodded. "That is a relief. I guess they're actually squirrel porch pirates."
Dante continued, oblivious. "We rummaged through the packages, and I found electronics. Fred was ecstatic. 'Now, something we can use for our plans!'
"I asked him, 'What exactly are your plans?' He sneered at me again — he did that a lot — and said, 'We use technology from others to further our plans. See this ring camera? We'll expand our surveillance! See this toaster? We'll make toast!'"
Beleth blinked. "Toast?"
"That's what I asked!" Dante exclaimed, bouncing slightly. "I asked, 'You're going to take over the world with toast?' And Fred said, 'Of course.' Then he scampered off, locking me in the room. A light came on over the door, which I guess meant it was locked. I just wanted to go home!"
The little dog looked up at Beleth, his tail wagging faintly as he went on. "I started looking through the packages, hoping to find a way out. Some had potato chips — tasty, but not helpful. Others had pens, paper, and even a battery-powered chainsaw."
Beleth flicked his tail. "Please tell me you didn't."
"I did!" Dante barked. His eyes sparkled with pride. "It was charged up, and after some nosing around, I got it running. I used it first to open boxes, then I thought, 'Wait, I can use this on the door!' So, I cut a big hole — big for me, anyway. Definitely huge for a squirrel."
"Once I escaped the room, I ran up and up through the fortress. I couldn't remember which door led out, so I started chainsawing every other one."
Beleth interrupted, tilting his head. "Can you even use 'chainsaw' as a verb?"
Dante paused, his head tilted too, before dismissing the thought. "I did."
Beleth blinked in resignation, deciding to let it go.
Dante, now bouncing with excitement, continued. "One room was full of green stuffed dinosaurs. Another had Chewy boxes with so many treats. I brought one for you — but, uh, I ate it. Sorry."
Beleth patted the little dog with his paw only using a little claw. "The monkeys say it's the thought that counts."
Dante grinned. "Then I found the observatory spot where Fred had been spying on me. I climbed onto the tree, slid down, and ran back to the monkeys, who were still talking to the neighbors. Crokell was just lying there, so I slipped back into my collar like nothing happened. Then we came home, and I rushed in here to tell you all about it. Now I need some water. Chainsawing is thirsty work!"
As Dante trotted off toward his water bowl, Aki crept into the room and sat down with a flick of her tail. The little calico glanced at Beleth.
"His head's bigger than his neck," Aki remarked. "He's not Crokell. There's no way he slipped out of his collar."
Beleth shrugged, suppressing a cat-grin. "Hey, it was a good story anyway."
Publishing News: Giant Squeeing Robots
If you want similar stories or to find out more about Paisley, pick up Giant Squeeing Robots. You won't regret it. Space Kitten and the Pirate Squirrel Supremacy is one of my favorite Nano-Sapiens stories so far.
https://www.amazon.com/Giant-Squeeing-Robots-Raconteur-Anthologies-ebook/dp/B0DW8X429B
We're joined by Alpha Merc
(who also edits), Hinkley Correia, and one of our other favorite editors, Rita Beeman! (Ask us about why she published our first Space Marine story - it was a perfect storm of perfect choices.)Raconteur Press says:
Just because they're cute doesn't mean they can't be dangerous. Imagine tamagotchis gone bad, giant robots with the fashion sense and self-control of a toddler. Or maybe these robots just love you and want to scoop you up and hug you and squeeze you and call you George. Have fun! Play! And remember, these robots can go hypersonic.
Chaos Tip of the Week
Don't challenge a squirrel to a trampoline jumping contest, they have better reflexes than you and can jump faster than you can blink.
Chaos Question of the Week
How do squirrels’ food caching and deceptive caching behaviors teach us about preparation and strategy in life?
Love it!